I've always known that the day would come when Kira would start to ask more questions about why she was different......why she uses a wheelchair sometimes.......why she needs braces........
BUT I wasn't prepared for today to be that day.
We were snuggling after her nap and she looked up at me and said, "Why do I keep having to have all these tests done? I don't like going. Dylan doesn't have to do it and Eva doesn't. Why do I? You know it's just not fair Mommy."
(**insert me trying to burst into tears and come up with SOMETHING to say....and I know that all of this came up because of her upcoming "stuff" on Thursday)
I'll be completely honest, I seriously didn't know WHAT to say. I really had no clue....probably because I ask myself the same question frequently too. It's NOT fair. And I HATE it. Don't get me wrong. I am 110% thankful that we live in a place where medical care is IN our town. I have friends who have to travel and I can't even begin to imagine having to do that. I am thankful that even though it feel like one thing after another, I KNOW that Kira's health issues could be significantly bigger and worse. I know that and it's a fact that is not lost on me for one minute.
As I was cuddling Kira we talking about how special she was and how all these tests weren't fun but how some kids don't have doctors who care about them and want to make them feel better. I told her that I didn't know why she had to have tests done. I told her that if I could do the tests for her I would. She got a little angry at me because she said that "I make her do them." I couldn't deny that but explained that I love her so much that I don't want her to have tummy aches everyday and I don't want her to cough and gag when she eats so we need to see if we can figure out why. (I don't think she believed me but she didn't argue either.)
I was hoping that was end of our conversation....but no luck.
Then she asked me why she was different. I wanted to find out what she meant exactly so I asked her. She talked about her wheelchair, braces, that she couldn't run fast, that she cries more than her friends........(okay, Kira, these really could have been multiple conversations instead of everything at once. Mommy's heart really can't take it!)
We talked about how everyone is different....some kids run fast, some don't. Some kids think reading is easy, some kids don't. We talked about how as long as she's doing her best, that's all we want. We talked about how God made everyone EXACTLY like He wanted them to be and that means her too. I told her that she is so, so special and I am so lucky that she is my girl. I wouldn't want any other girl in the world. And then she asked for a snack....... :-)
I have to say that I haven't been able to stop thinking about this all night and yes, have felt teary-eyed more than once. And yes, I got a little ticked off that she has had to go through all the crap that she has. And yes, I got a little ticked that she does have to work harder at so many things compared to other kids. But I know that she is EXACTLY how she was meant to be.
I would be lying if I said I don't worry sometimes about what the future holds and that there are still days I long for "answers"....whatever they may be. I would be lying if I said that I don't worry with every test that this could be when something else "big" shows up. Will we ever have clear answers? I don't know.
But like I told Kira more than once today....she is EXACTLY who she is supposed to be and for that, I am so, so thankful. I love my girl.
