In just one short month, school will start. Up until this fall, I never gave much thought to when school started and all of that but this year is sooooooooo different for me. I can't believe that Kira will be starting school this year...not preschool but elementary school....all day. And Dylan, my Dilly Boy, will be going to preschool 2 mornings a week. I would be lying if I said that each time I walk by the school supply aisles in the stores I don't get a little sad. I love being a home with my kids. Sure there are days that I feel like I am losing my mind but I wouldn't trade my job for anything in the world. It's hard for me to think about not being there with Kira....not spending lazy mornings reading books, playing with play-doh and just being silly. It's hard for me to think about not playing an active role in her therapy sessions as I have for nearly her whole life. It's hard for me to know that she's going to be beyond exhausted when she gets home and it's going to hard to have quality time with her. It's hard for me to know that I won't be there to pick her up when she falls down, to give her a hug when she gets hurt and to give her a high-5 when she works so hard in therapy. I'm her Mommy and it's hard to let go.
I have to trust that the people who will surround her will be there to give a hug and high-5 for me. I have to trust that she WILL be okay. It's hard to let go when you've spent nearly everyday for 5 years with this adorable little person. I know that she'll love school. I know that she'll make friends. But the reality is, I also know that there are times it's going to be VERY hard for her. She has a lot of stuff going on that the other kids won't....physical challenges and anxiety being at the top of that list. Don't get me wrong. She's doing sooooo much better since we made the decision to start her on some anxiety meds but meds aren't perfect and they certainly don't make it "all better."
I worry that kids will be mean. She wears braces...that are now purple with butterflies. She'll use a wheelchair for parts of the day and she's not the "bravest" child in the world. I know that her meltdowns will happen at school and I don't want her to be called the cry-baby. I know kids are accepting at this age but I'm not blind to the fact they can also be mean.
When the weather is nice and we have our windows open, we can hear the kids playing on the playground at the school...I can't decide if that's going to be a good thing or not so good thing for me?? Hmmm...I guess time will tell.
In less than a month, I will have to put a smile on my face as we walk through the front door of the school with Kira proudly wearing her Tinkerbell backpack and carrying her Tinkerbell lunchbox. I will have to put my trust in her teachers, aide and therapists. I think it's pretty darn safe to say that even though I will be smiling on the outside, I will be fighting tears along wtih that smile. I'm excited for her to experience school and I know that she is excited too...but Mommy's heart just isn't quite ready yet and letting go is not going to be easy.
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You express the bittersweet emotions so eloquently. I will be tearing up right along with you that day when I read about how it went. I know she'll love it, but I don't want her to ever, ever have to face challenges. It's hard to think of our babies having to face those in life. But, she will and she'll be strong <3
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